Meggans a mom.com - Meggans guide to a brighter life

Hello I'am Meggan Welcome to my website.

Show Me The Money

My stepsons and I get along great.  Everyone always asks what my secret is.  For instance people want to know what books about step-parenting am I reading?  Do I set boundaries?  How do I discipline?  How do I do what I do and have the relationship I do with my stepsons?  I am here to give you the answer.   No books, no drama, no problems.  

The key to your stepchildren’s heart is CASH!

Example, watch video above.

Every time I see this video I just crack up.  The boys are great!

M

Lovin’ The Onion

Anyway you dice it (pun intended…sorry) a diced onion is faboo and a busy Mom’s friend in the torture chamber kitchen.  Onions are inexpensive, add a quick and easy blast of flavor, and can take a everyday jar of spaghetti sauce from boring to scoring.

A few tips from Ettore when dealing with the onion:

Chill the onion in the refrigerator before cutting, this will cut down on the tear inducing fumes.

You won’t go to kithchen jail for how you use different kinds of onions, but generally red onions are sweet and work great in salads, yellow and white onions work great for cooking.

USE A SHARP KNIFE

Cut onion on a cutting board and place cutting board on a wet towel to prevent the cutting board from slipping (there’s no vacation from safety).

Use your knuckles as your guide.

After slicing an onion, cut onion length wise to begin dicing.

The following salad recipe is a customer FAVORITE at my husband’s place, Ettore’s European Bakery and Restaurant.  www.ettores.com  It is simple and quick as well. Ettore recently taught a vegetarian cooking class for my Mom and her friends and even the carnivores in the group were raving about this salad. The following recipe serves just me when I am hungry, or 4-6 average adults.

Fresh Corn and Onion Salad

  • 5 Ears of fresh corn or 2 cans of corn
  • 1/2 red onion diced
  • 1/2 cucumber seeded and diced
  • 1 cup cherry tomatoes
  • 2 Tbsp.  finely chopped cilantro
  • 2 Tbsp. Sour Cream
  • 1/3 Cup red wine vinegar
  • 1/3 Cup Extra Virgin Olive Oil
  • Salt and Pepper to Taste

Start by stripping the corn of kernels using a sharp knife.   Add corn to a large bowl.  Combine red onion, cucumber, cherry tomatoes, cilantro, sour cream, red wine vinegar, olive oil.  Using large fork and spoon toss ingredients.  Season with salt and pepper to taste.  Serve immediately, or chill and then serve. 

Have Fun and Happy Eating!

 

Get Your Organic On And Win A $50.00 Gift Card From Safeway

Safeway JPEG

To enter to win the $50.00 gift card from Safeway all you do is read the following entry, click on the small orange box at the bottom of the post and scroll down to leave a comment with your contact information. 

THANKS! 

M

When I was first contacted by Safeway to write about their stores for my blog, my initial question was, “Are you sure you have the right blog?  Are you sure you weren’t meaning to email the fabulous www.dooce.com and somehow ended up emailing my little three legged dog and pony show?”

They were sure.

We set up an appointment to talk.  I then immediately called my Mother and let her know her baby done good. I then fantastized about calling all the Mother’s of my ex-boyfriends and screaming into the phone…”and you thought I wasn’t good enough for your son…Safeway bitch!  I AM WORKING WITH SAFEWAY!!  You betta recognize…ha ha ha you could of used my Safeway gift card!” 

Then I went and laid down for a nap.  Self vindication is exhausting.

The next day a lovely woman in New York from the advertising agency representing Safeway called to discuss details.  She asked if it was a good time to talk. I told her we could talk and I was in my “office.”  At that very moment my office was the IKEA parking lot in West Sacramento with my toddler in the backseat eating an ice cream cone used as hush money at 10:00 a.m.  I cringed a bit to myself for my white lie, but like any busy mom my car is my office and the car is where it all goes down.  I imagined the advertising agency rep in her lovely office in New York City.  I bet her office doesn’t smell vaguely of poop and sour milk and have a thin coating of goldfish crackers on the upholstery.  However my office can reach speeds of 67 m.p.h. going downhill and comes with it’s own cup holder.   Makes us about even don’t you think.

As we talked I began to ask questions about what Safeway was looking for.  I do accept advertising, but this would be a bit different.  These posts would be testimonials from me, in exchange for gift cards to Safeway for myself and my readers.  I have mentioned this before.  I have had offers from other companies for testimonials and have always turned them down.  For whatever reason the shoe just did not fit and as much as I love the bling bling, I felt I had to stay true to myself whether being paid or not.

One of my big questions for Safeway was about organic products.  I’m not a crazy organic Mom who thinks the world is over and my kid will grow a tail and rob you in ten years if I don’t feed my child organic food, but I do buy mostly organic products when I can.  It is Cali after all…for reals.  If I was going to represent Safeway there had to be a interest and investment in organic products for their shoppers.

Safeway O Organics

Turns out Safeway has their OWN line of organic products called O Organics, click on the label above for more information.  The  Safeway O Organics line has over 300 products from dairy and eggs,  to frozen fruit and even a BABY AND TODDLER line.  Lucas likes the cereal bars and crackers.  Safeway is  also adding products to already existing organic lines…AND get this…the Safeway O Organics line is part of Safeway’s new 1000′s of everyday low price products program.  That means the organic products are offered for discounts and specials, making them more affordable for families! Kudos.  I really appreciate and commend Safeway’s dedication to organic products. 

I channeled my inner Oprah, dusted off my reporter hat, and got down to organic business.  Below is my interview with Safeway Northern California Division President Karl Schroeder.   The interview is not quite up to the thrill of Whitney’s first comeback interview with Auntie Oprah, but then again Safeway never did crack, won a Grammy, or married Bobby Brown.

1.  There are many organic lines in production.  Why did Safeway decide to start producing O Organics, their own line of organic products?

Safeway believes that great tasting organic food should be available to everyone and available at a great value. Safeway’s O Organics™ line of products consists of high-quality products at an affordable costs ensuring that our shoppers can find the organic foods they want at a price that’s just right.

2.  How many products are in the Safeway line of O Organics?

At Safeway you’ll find over 300 O Organics™ items throughout the store, each USDA-certified organic to ensure wholesome goodness.

3.  What makes Safeway’s organic products different from other organic lines?

O Organics food is produced and handled in accordance with all USDA organic standards – without the use of synthetic pesticides, genetic modification, growth hormones or antibiotics. O Organics products are sourced from a variety of carefully selected organic growers using earth-friendly farming practices.

4.  How is the price point between Safeway’s organic line and other organic lines?

We can’t really speak to the price of other organic lines, but Safeway’s products are available at a budget-friendly price point. In fact the O Organics line is included in the thousands of new everyday low prices recently launched at Safeway’s Northern California stores.

5.  How does Safeway guarantee the safety and quality of the O organic products?

O Organics food is produced and handled in accordance with all USDA organic standards – without the use of synthetic pesticides, genetic modification, growth hormones or antibiotics. O Organics products are sourced from a variety of carefully selected organic growers using earth-friendly farming practices.

6.  Does  Safeway offer other lines of organic products?

Safeway does carry national organic brands in addition to its private label O Organics™ products. Safeway also has its Eating Right™ and Eating Right for Kids™ line of great-tasting, better-for-you foods with over 20 categories of nutritious food options for the entire family.

7.  Does Safeway ever offer discounts and specials on their O organic line?

The O Organics line is part of the recent price reduction program launched at Safeway. Plus shoppers can always count on the weekly Club Card specials which often include the O Organics™ products.

8.  How successful is the O organic line and will Safeway be adding more products to the O organics line and other organic products?

Safeway’s shoppers are very satisfied with the great selection of products offered through its O Organics™ line.

Happy shopping and saving on organics at Safeway,

BE SURE TO LEAVE A COMMENT AT THE END OF THE POST BY CLICKING ON THE ORANGE BOX FOR A CHANCE TO WIN A $50.00 GIFT CARD TO SAFEWAY. 

CONGRATUALTIONS TO SHELLY B, FROM SACRAMENTO, OUR $50.00 SAFEWAY GIFT CARD WINNER.

*I was compensated for this post with a gift card for myself and my readers,  however the views expressed here are my own.

Thank You Mrs. Stanley

It has been a few days since I posted.  I have decided to go off the Zoloft and fight the anxiety with less caffeine and more intense exercise.  Cut to my husband taking me to something called Body Pump.   Body Pump  is code for a bunch of  60-year-old women (who are in way better shape than I will ever be) kicking my ass in a combined cardio/weight lifting class.

I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO SORE!

I literally have not been able to move since Thursday.  I was the youngest person in the class by a good twenty years and the only person who looked and sounded like a dolphin that had beached itself.  The entire class, all I did was moan in agony and thrash about.  The 60-year-old female instructor looked and moved like a dancer in her early 20′s.  I looked and moved like Flipper caught in the shallow end.

The class began at 9:30 a.m.

By 9:31 a.m I knew I was in trouble.  There was no way I could take twenty-nine more minutes of this.  My eyes feverishly searched for the clock.  How much longer did I have to endure cardio and weight lifting simultaneously?  The instructor was practically twirling her barbell like a baton while I was missing my bottle of Zoloft and reconsidering my decision as my thighs scorched like fire and I bellowed from the pain. 

Ah-ha!  Found it. There was the clock!  O.K. plain sight.  Twenty-nine more minutes.  All I could think was THANK YOU Mrs. Stanley, my kindergarten teacher, for teaching me how to tell time.  Thank you, because of you I know exactly how much longer this evil Body Pump will last.

Big hand on the nine, small hand nearing the ten. Thank you Mrs. Stanley 9:45 a.m., only fifteen more minutes to go till I am free.

Big hand on the twelve, small hand on the ten.  Thank you Mrs. Stanley it is 10:00 a.m.  I survived.  Praise Jesus, Mother Mary, Oprah, and Dr. Phil Dr. Oz.  I made it. 

With the exception of heavy breathing from lungs desperate for air, everyone had stopped moving.  I didn’t waste any time. I painfully picked up my weight bar, my hand weights, the cardio steps and was making a bee line to put all my stuff away and get the hell out of there when I realized I WAS THE ONLY ONE MOVING.

This was just a break…the class was not over!!!!! I had to go tIll the big hand was on the six and the little hand was on the ten???!!!  Damn you Mrs. Stanley.   The big hand looked like it had to travel a mile before a half an hour passed.

Empty of  Zoloft and filled with disbelief, rage, and pain I mouthed to my husband, “half and hour right?”

He mouthed back, “no one hour.”

I then mouthed off, “SON OF A BITCH!”

Which again reminded me of Mrs. Stanley and my one blemish on an otherwise stellar kindergarten career. Mrs. Stanley wrote on my report card…”Meggan sometimes uses inappropriate language.”

Well duh.  Inappropriate language seemed completely appropriate when you quit your anti-depressents, your husband takes you to a torture chamber thinly disguised as an exercise class run by senior citizens who could bench press a minivan, and you are the jerk that thought the class was only a half an hour.

Shucks didn’t seem like it was the word I was looking for.  I survived the class and four days later still cannot walk down a flight of stairs my legs are so sore and to sit on the toilet I have to leverage myself by holding on to the sink as I lower myself down.  I was proud of myself though for finishing and only complaining to myself and the voices in my head. 

Where is that bottle of Zoloft?

I’d Like To Thank The Academy…

wickedly-awesome-blog-award

OMG YA’LL!  I recently received my first ever blog award.  I am always thrilled to read someone likes my stuff and am incredibly flattered to hear back from people.  The blog award is called “I have a wickedly awesome blog” and is from a website called www.erinexpirement.com  Love the award design and anything that uses the word wicked.  Erin is a pole dance class taking, martial arts studying,  blogging and media lovin’ stepmom.  Basically she is “people” and I am sure we are related.  Her website is great for moms, stepmoms, and anyone who loves a good story and read.  The following text is from Erin’s interview with me and taken directly from her website  www.erinexpirement.com I was/am really touched that Erin chose meggansamom.com for her award.  Stepmoms unite!

From www.erinexpirement.com

Perhaps it’s my uber geeky-job as a web and social media mistress; or maybe it’s because I designed my own site and have serious blog envy, but whenever I see awesome blog designs with incredibly witty women behind them I feel like handing out an award.

I didn’t have enough to do the other day so I decided to create my own award: The Wickedly Awesome Blog Award. (See fancy blog award badge above designed by yours truly). I wanted to create something that combined the snark of the wicked stepmom myth with witty prose and cool web treatments. The Wickedly Awesome Stepmom Award isn’t just an award to spotlight stepmoms; it’s an award for their blogs as well. I’m in constant awe of the cool widgets and designs I find on everyone’s sites so I wanted to honor that in addition to great content.

 Believe it or not, I already have our inaugural recipient: Meggan R. of Meggansamom.com. You can see her blog snapshot below, but I highly advise you check her blog out and subscribe — stat. Meggan is HILARIOUS. She’s incredibly witty and charming and yet so completely normal. She’s both a mom and a stepmom and wrote her first blog about her vagina (I’m telling ya, she’s a total hoot so scurry over now and reader her blog….go ahead…..I’ll wait. Just make sure you come back here okay?)

Whew…You came back.

I asked Megan to tell us a little bit about herself and her blog for those reading at home and desperate to learn more about Ms. Wickedly Awesome Blog Award winner.

Can you describe your blog/website?
My website meggansamom.com is blend of many aspects of my blended family. I say that my website is “finding the funny and fabulous in family.” At the heart of the site is funny and light hearted takes on all the wonderful trials and tribulations of family life. I also have a style page called Super Style and I am very excited about my video cooking page I professionally record in my home kitchen with my husband, who is a European pastry chef. It is called Kiss The Cook.

Describe your stepfamily.
I have two amazing and well bribed teenage stepsons age 16 and 13. I also have a toddler boy who is 19 months old, also bribed, but with cookies. My husband Ettore is from Switzerland, and is twenty years older than me. We have been together five and a half years, married for three, speaking for two.

How long have you been blogging?
I have been blogging 8 months. My first post was Dec 3rd, 2008. It was about my vagina, the thing that got this whole blogging thing started when I delivered my son.

What prompted you to start a blog?
Being a parent of three boys I had a lot of free time and thought I could make a lot of money blogging…lol. No really what started me blogging was the encouragement of friends and family. I was emailing funny stories about my family that I had written. My emails were being forwarded on to other people. Eventually I began to get emails back from people I didn’t even know saying they liked my stories. People began asking me to blog. I had NO idea what a blog was. My stepson Harrison had to tell me and show me a few blogs. He and my other stepson Reilly call me “Techno Rocky”, because they say I am from the technological Stone Age.

Did your blog evolve into a Stepmom blog or start out as a Stepmom blog?
My blog was always a family blog that incorporated married life, my stepsons, step-parenting and my baby.

What do you find the most challenging about being a Stepmom blogger?
For me the most challenging thing about being a stepmom blogger is editing and leaving out material that is personal concerning my stepsons. I made a promise to myself that I would be wide open on my blog and not edit MYSELF, but I found almost immediately that I really had to be careful what I write about the boys.   Out of respect I edit what they are experiencing and what we as a family, or me personally, might be going through that is deeply sensitive in nature concerning them. My stepsons read my blog, as well and their Mother, and her friends and family. As much as I might want to “vent” in the blog about step-parenting I save that for therapy and try to blog mostly about funny and touching stories about the whole family.

What do you find the most challenging about being a Stepmom in general?
I LOVE being a Stepmom, but the most challenging thing for me is to be seen as “just” the stepmom, or the “new wife.” I do plenty of homework with my stepsons, celebrate their victories, dry their tears, clean up their throw-up, give hugs and encouragement, laugh with them, worry about them, drive them places all hours of the day, take the boys to and from practice, work to pay the bills for them, ride bikes with them, feed them, and love them…and the list goes on. I want to be a great stepmom and a positive adult in my stepsons’ life. It can be hard to be on the outside looking in. When I let others get me down, all I have to do is spend time with my stepsons and realize my great relationship with them is all that matters, not what others think. Until I found the stepmom blogs out there I felt so isolated, like the only stepmom on the block. The beauty of blogging is that is completely opened my eyes to the wonderful stepmom community of women who are wonderful, dynamic, and caring stepmoms who GIVE A DAMN and are going through so much of the same thing I am.  I really appreciate the stepmom community and am honored to be a part of it.

Who designed your blog and would you recommend them again?
My blog and logo was designed by a wonderful web and logo design firm called Zest Studios. www.zeststudios.com I would HIGHLY recommend them!! They are extremely talented and creative, patient with me beyond belief, and professional. I had a million and one ideas swirling around in my head and they turned it all into the beautiful website, logo, business card, and stationary I have today. Zest Studios can work with you on projects both big and small.

Favorite social networking tool?I currently twitter at meggansamom

A Blast From The Past

While looking at my high school yearbook…

Reilly:  “Meggan, did they have color photographs in the olden days when you were in high school?”

Me:   “Reilly!  I graduated high school in 1991!!”

Reilly:   (Silence)

Me:  (Silence)

Reilly:  “Did they?”

Me:  “Seriously?  Reilly I graduated high school in 1991.”

Reilly:   (Silence)

Me:  (Silence)

Reilly:   “Why do you keep telling me when you graduated high school?”

Me:  “Because 1991 was not “olden days.”   That band you like, Nirvana, that was from when I was in high school.   That computer you on all the time started when I was in high school, the IPOD you are wearing, we had the Walkman when I was in high school.  It was 1991…not 1931.  We had cool things and technology when I was in high school.”

Reilly:  “I know, but did you have COLOR photographs?”

Me:  Sigh.

Reilly:  Sigh.

Me:  “Yes, we had color photographs.”

Reilly:  “In the olden days?”

Me:  (Silence)

I Shit You Not

I have the stomach flu.

It sucks.   We are also right in the middle of a move to another house.  My timing, as always, is impeccable.

Get married…get the flu.

Plan a trip to Paris…plan on going to the ER, my ear drum painfully bursts.

Moving to a house…moving to the toilet.

I should of known trouble was a comin’ when I pooped my pants.  Pooping my own pants was someting I had not done for, I don’t know, 34 years.  We have been so busy though preparing for the move that pooping my own pants barely registered on the radar.  I didn’t have time to worry about it. I just thought to myself, “huh, that’s weird. I just pooped my own pants.”

I then told Ettore I pooped my pants.  Again the only response was, “huh, did you clean it up?”

I did.

Normally, in my pre-three boys days, pooping my own pants would of been cause for alarm that big trouble was just around the bend and that something wicked this way comes, but these days I simply don’t have time to think about it. I cleaned myself up including using some of Lucas’ baby wipes, scooped up the baby and we headed out the door to an appointment at the new house.   I did however bring my own roll of toilet paper, as the new house is vacant.  Could you imagine if I got sick during the walk through?  I shudder at that uncomfortable conversation.

“Hey, good news.  The toilet works. Does anyone have a box of tissues?”

I think as a busy Mom you just keep going, like the mailman.   Not sleet, nor snow, nor rain, nor a drippy ass, will keep you from running the household.  Except I did get stopped.  Right in my tracks.  By 9:00 p.m. I was in the fetal position begging for mercy.   What caused this?  Was it the margarita machine at my friend’s bbq the night before?  I only had one.  Did I over indulge in the bean dip?  I don’t think so, I was on my best buffet behavior.  I don’t know where I picked this up from, but all my participating in the move has stopped and I feel terrible.  Lucas has been shuttled off to Grandma’s for safe keeping and I am holed up in the bathroom.  Every time I think I am better, one sip of Gatorade or water sends my right back to the restroom.  It is so bad that Lucas is now not the only person in the house in diapers.  I sent Ettore to the store for an emergency pack of Depends. 

Reilly was very concerned for me when he came over last night, concerned but also intrigued.

“Do you poop when you laugh?”

“Do you poop when you cough?”

“Do you have to poop right now?”

“If I made you laugh, would you poop?”

Which then transitioned into talk of other bodily functions as our conversation often does.

“Have you ever laughed and farted at the same time?”

“Have you ever coughed and farted at the same time?”

“Have you ever pooped and threw up at the same time?”

“Have you ever sneezed, threw up, and pooped at the same time?”

I was starting to laugh and I had to shut down the bodily function discussion rather quickly or we were going to have a hands on lesson.  We decided to resume the conversation at a more appropriate time, like dinner when we have company. That’s when these topics usually surface.

So here I sit, in Depends, as the world turns without me.  No coffee, no food, no problem.  Coffee, food, BIG problem.

Hey, at least I lost five pounds.

Sick.

Tears On My Keyboard

Tummy

Waiting to deliver a bottle of Zoloft and a pizza

There is no other way to start this post except to jump right in and get to it.  The other day, during a routine baby appointment, LUCAS’ PEDIATRICIAN, ”DR. S.” ASKED IF I WAS PREGNANT!!!!!!

I’m not.

Shit.

Nobody has ever asked me that before.  Even when I was pregnant, nobody asked if I was pregnant.  It was obvious, but nobody asked.  Even when I was four months pregnant and my belly and butt had registered for new zip codes, nobody asked if I was pregnant.

WHY NOW!?!

Here is the skinny, scoop.  Truth be told, I have gained weight recently.  Along with my beautiful baby boy, I had another arrival in the household.

Anxiety, and lots of it.  To combat the anxiety I went on the anti-anxiety medication Zoloft, which caused me to gain weight in a short period of time.  Fifteen pounds in six weeks.  YIKES!

The anxiety was bad.  Not just “oh, gosh I am a little nervous” anxiety.  NO, it was crushing, frightening, debilitating, terrifying, choking, deep seeded fear and anxiety.  I was one night terror away from losing it, getting a bunch of cats, never leaving the house, and ordering Christmas sweaters on QVC.

After Lucas was born I began to struggle with fear and anxiety.  It is no secret that I see a therapist, referred to on my site as Therapist Richard.  He is awesome (and can work a sweater…sassy).  Richard explained to me that often emotions are heightened during and after pregnancy and that any unresolved emotional episodes or things from the past often bubble to the surface and trigger the anxiety.

He was not joking.

All my hidden dark secrets came pouring out.   Things I NEVER told anyone.  I was the peace keeper with the big smile and funny personality, which I was and still am, except until very recently I was hiding in agony.  As a child I was repeatedly molested by a male neighbor.  Also, my Mother’s second husband was sexually aggressive towards me. He never crossed the line to molest, but never let me forget he was watching me ALL the time and could cross the line if he wanted to.  For YEARS I twisted into a pretzel to disappear and get away from him.  My Father, who was an alcoholic and drug addict, adopted me as an infant despite never truly wanting me.  He told me he just wanted to make my Mother happy.  They divorced when I was three.   My Father told me this point blank through out my life,  both in words and in actions.  All of this I NEVER NEVER NEVER said a word to anyone.  I stuffed it, buried it, HID it, put on a smile and stayed out of everyone’s way.  Nobody knew, about the molest, the abuse, the things my Father told me, nothing.

Needless to say, molest, parental abandonment, constant threats and inappropriate behavior from adults toward me left a BIG FAT MARK.

Richard was right, the pregnancy brought all that up at 35 years old.  I cracked like an egg and all my secrets and more came pouring out.  I told my Mother everything.  I told everyone everything.  I cried endlessly, held my pregnant stomach and emotionally freed myself and my baby.  I COULD NOT continue the hidden secrets eating my soul with a baby inside me.  I did not want Lucas to be born to secrets and lies.  Together we freed me from my past.  The day Lucas was born we both got a fresh start in life.

How does this all relate to Lucas’ pediatrician thinking I am pregnant 19 months after Lucas was born.  When you hide such devastating things for so long (35 years) and suddenly release them to the world, it can be emotionally overwhelming.  Couple that with a new baby and WHAM I was in full blown anxiety attack mode. Something I had never experienced before.  After trying to work through the anxiety that was worsening as the months went by, Therapist Richard and I decided to start me on Zoloft, an anti-anxiety medication.

I was very hesitant and reluctant at first.  I fought going on the medication for a good long time, but the anxiety was not getting better.  I was crying all the time, thought the end was always around the corner,  and I was googling about cat ownership late into the evening.

I started Zoloft just six weeks ago.  My personal doctor was very supportive about the medication.  As she rattled off the boring side affects…thoughts of suicide, nausea, insomnia I blanked out.  Once I heard weight gain though, I shot to attention.  Apparently weight gain is a fairly common side affect.  Assuring myself  that I was exempt from side affects and would have no problems,  I filled my prescription. 

Cut to six weeks later.  Night terrors gone, fifteen pounds of weight gain in my belly arrived.   I feel terrific about my brain, but I feel horrible about my stomach. 

I have gained 15(!!!) mother fucking pounds of hard fought and lost baby weight in six weeks.  I might be no longer anxious, but I am now depressed about the weight gain.  This must be the tummy Lucas’ pediatrician, Dr. S. saw on our appointment. 

THE ZOLOFT BELLY.

After Dr. S. asked if I was pregnant it was so uncomfortable.  Before Zoloft Belly we had perfection, now we have a “thing” between us.

BEFORE “the question” Dr. S. was the kind Indian pediatrician with long flowing black hair, a gentle yet professional demeanor, who worked with me on my son’s vaccine schedule without a negative attitude, patiently walked me through Lucas’ first ear infection, and adored my son.

NOW she is the kind Indian doctor with long flowing black hair, a gentle yet professional demeanor, who worked with me on my son’s vaccine schedule without a negative attitude, patiently talked me through Lucas’ first ear infection, and adores my son…and asked if I was FUCKING PREGNANT!  Come on, seriously. 

Dr. S. could barely look me in the eye after “IT” happened.  I knew, that she knew, that she committed the verbal cardinal sin against women.  Never ever ever ask a woman if she is pregnant.  If you are wondering…and you are on the fence…and you are not sure if she is or isn’t pregnant, even if the she is your wife…DON’T ASK.  Just hit the woman with your car instead, it will be less painful for her.  

The only person who should ever ask if you are pregnant is your Ob/Gyn, and even then the doctor better be DAMN sure you are.  Like in the hospital birthing room with your legs in the air staring at your vagina while your baby is crowning sure.  Like your Baby Daddy is standing there with a video camera, your Mother is standing there crying, and your vagina looks like Stretch Armstrong sure.  Otherwise it might just all be gas.

Dr. S. apologized and I fought back tears.  I will admit it, I got a little misty eyed.  The worst was disappointing Dr. S., whom I love.  She was so excited for me.  Her face lit up when she saw me and excitedly asked if I was pregnant. 

No not pregnant with a baby, just filled with humiliation, Zoloft, and chocolate chip cookies. 

It is all good.  The anxiety has lessened a lot, I am switching to a mediation that my doctor thinks will help with the weight, and it makes a funny story.

I’m laughing all the way to the gym.

M

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