Meggans a - Meggans guide to a brighter life

Hello I'am Meggan Welcome to my website.

I’m Bringing Sexy Back?

Day ten of no Zoloft.  It is going well.  I was only on Zoloft for about seven weeks, so it is not too difficult to come off of it.  I have been sticking true to the plan of more intense exercise to combat the anxiety and so far so good.  I went to another Body Attack class and there was slightly less blubbering about on my part than last time.  I have lost seven pounds of Zoloft weight gain and only have eight more pounds to go to be where I was before I started the meds.

I am feeling good…dare I say…sexy.

Looking pretty, sexy, feminine is all a new thing for me.  Don’t get me wrong. I am not sipping the self Hatorade.  I think I am an attractive person.  I don’t think I am ugly or unattractive or any other self loathing labels.  It has just always been important for me to be strong, not pretty.  I always thought those two were separate things.

Growing up my heroes were Wonder Woman and The Bionic Woman.  I loved those bitches.  If I was the Bionic Woman and the Bionic Man came around looking for loving, I would be more concerned with kicking his ass in the 100m run.  Superman may be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but my Wonder Woman would beat him to the punch in her invisible jet, while wearing wicked red boots and gold wrist cuff bracelets.

I have always been tall and stood out for my height.  Once and old man in San Diego came up to me in a line for coffee and said, ”Honey, you broke the mold.  My God, I didn’t think they made them like you anymore.”  He then kicked me like he was kicking a tire.

I think he thought I was a Buick. 

Being strong, tall, better than the boys made me feel safe.  I remember when I was modeling when I was younger.  I loved it, until I got good at it and started to be recognized more and more for how I looked.  It made me soo uncomfortable and I felt out of control.  I have been a performer my whole life and I loved being up on stage as an actress, and I was/am still very good at it.  There was something though about getting attention for how I looked that made my skin crawl.  I could not stand ALL THOSE EYES ON ME.  I felt I was being watched, but not in a good way.  I felt so vulnerable, like people were penetrating me with their eyes and I felt naked.  I have talked about the sexual abuse I had suffered through as a child and adolescence.   Attention for my looks brought up all the unresolved emotions and hidden fear from the abuse.  At the time I did not process that the abuse had nothing to do with how I looked.  It was all sickness, power, rage, and control.  I felt if I stood out for my looks, then I would be abused all over again.  Pretty didn’t equal power.

Pretty made me feel weak.

Still I was young, tall, and thin with a stage presence and big smile that came across on camera.  After a mall fashion show in Chico, California I was scouted by Click Models from New York and offered a chance to go to New York and audition for the fashion shows.

I never called. 

I never went. 

I quit modeling right then.  It is one of my biggest regrets of  ”what if.”

ALLLL of that is slowly changing as I enter into motherhood, wifehood…and some good old fashioned intense therapy.  I told and let go all the secrets.  Step one in taking control and getting my own power back.  Secrecy creates control and power.  If the secrets are out, then there is nothing to hide from.  Suddenly as myself and as a wife and a Mother I have never felt more beautiful.  Amazing since I always seem to be unshowered and covered in someone else’s food, dirt, and bodily fluid.

I am changing and growing.  I am part of an exciting TV project.  I will be shooting and doing one minute Mom videos that have the possibility to be sold to TV stations across the country.  I was talking with the owner of the company, Jennifer.  Jennifer had auditioned for the company a woman named Shana that I use as a make-up artist.  Shana would report on make-up and fashion tips etc.  Shana is WONDERFUL.  She is beautiful and sexy too boot. I asked how Shana did in her audition.  Jennifer said Shana did well and she tested great with the guys.  She brings the sexy factor to the table.

I laughed and said to Jennifer, “You know just once I would love to hear that about myself….you know Meggan really brings sexy to the table…men love her.”

I told Jen, usually with the guys I bring arm wrestling to the table.  For some odd reason men want to arm wrestle me and then do my best friend.  That is how I test.

Jen laughed and I laughed.  It is so true.

The I had an Oprah Ah-ha moment.  I think I am ready to let some of that old behavior and protection go.  I can be funny and feminine.  Taking care of myself doesn’t necessarily mean I am weak or vain or selfish or vulnerable.  I am seeing how gaining the weight, even before the Zoloft was a means of self protection.  I remember when I got my first job as a television reporter.  Those old fears kicked right up and I immediately gained 25 pounds!!  I had worked so hard for that opportunity and was self sabotaging…again…just like when I was modeling.  I progressed rather quickly and soon started to work on air in San Francisco and true to form…I quit.  I quit tv all together.  I couldn’t stand it.  The success, the attention.  Sad.

Not anymore.  That was so FIVE years ago.  This blog is helping me take the right.  I have found my voice and am slowly finding myself.  I am learning to be pretty and strong and have it all be o.k.  

I want to continue my journey of weight loss and stepping out more into my light and what it means for me to feel sexy, attractive, present.  It seems so simple, but just getting photographed and my make-up done for this website was a HUGE deal.  It was a major barrier to overcome.  To take the right to be photographed in a way that I wanted.  To take the right to say I would like my make-up done to look good.  OMG!  I thought I was going to PUKE the whole time, but I didn’t puke.  I did it!  The photo I had taken is on my About Meggan page and I am still here.  I survived and I want to do more.

All this is so new.  It is scary and new, but wonderful and exciting too.  I feel like I am shedding more than just physical weight, I am shedding emotional weight as well.  Despite my new found feminity, I will still try to bring the funny and I will always love to try and beat the boys, at least now I will do it in lip gloss and a great pair of heels.

Justin Timberlake may be bringing sexy back,  I’m just starting to bring it.


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